Sunday, November 28, 2010



Sometimes I'm so in touch with my Inner Martha it's embarrassing. 

To wit:  

Today, in the spirit of reducing, reusing, and recycling I pulled out the big guns from the Michaels bag craft drawer.  And I'm not talking pom poms. Or googly eyes. Or Apple craft paints. I'm talking the mother of all craft supplies: glitter.  And not just any jars of glitter either.  Oh, no.  I am now the possessor of glitter in quantities enough to coat your vehicle. 
Say you: Because that's what everyone wants.  A glitter coated car. 
Say me: Absolutely.  
Anyhoo.  Project Pumpkin!  Stated goal: To turn fall pumpkins into Christmas pumpkins. And because I'm such a power mom, I not only organized a mother/daughter bonding activity, I took the opportunity to teach my child about being green by leading with example.  I reused the pumpkins and reduced the amount of tchotchkes I purchased for the season.  

So.  The before pic:  

Some glue mixed with water, some painting of the glue mixture on the pumpkins, some pouring of the glitter and viola!  Pumpkins that Liberace would simply die to own: 

You know you are quivering with envy and thinking to yourself as you're reading:  "Self.  you MUST get some glitter and revamp your pumpkins to look like Liberace's dining room. Right now."  

Of course..... must be said that glitter contains evil, harmful properties.  It's a proven fact.  I'm not sure the FDA is aware of its terrible side-effects, but I'm convinced that at this time, the glitz industry, aided and abetted by their scientists and lobbyists, are indeed part of a massive cover-up that would rival Joe Camel and his ilk.  

You see, when one is anticipating a glitter project, the adrenaline starts coursing through ones' brain and gets the user all addled. Here's the really sinister part:  ANY project on tap is inevitably coupled with a serious case of amnesia which can begin up to 24 hours prior to the Opening of the Coruscation.  So the user forgets that with glitter and forty-two-year olds eight-year-olds comes this:  

And no amount of preventative measures prevents this sparkle mayhem.  The glitter, once out of container, multiply exponentially and spread like rumors in the office.  

Yeah.  That's rubber grout on my tile tabletop.  You can go after it with an industrial vacuum and toothpicks covered with silly putty and there will still be evidence of my sparkle pumpkins 12 months hence.  Not to mention the fact that it now appears as if Tinker Bell came in my house and vomited on my kitchen floor and, by proxy, my living room carpet. 
Say you: glitter is horrible for the environment. You can't throw those in your compost bin, you know.  
Say me: SEE???  Another fact those sinister properties mask at the time of purchase!  
Oh, and one more thing.  

I didn't have any appropriate glitter for the task at hand, so I had to buy some. And one color wasn't really going to be enough (who wants mono-chromatic pumpkins? Eww.) so I had to buy three. 
Say you: Three colors of glitter?  Really? 
Say me: Hey! I refrained from getting green.  
Oh.....*cough*    I sorta didn't have glue either.  

So my project to reuse my 50¢-a-pop pumpkins actually cost me $20.96 plus tax.  

The good news being that I have enough glitter and glue to coat your car.  Did I mention that?  ->