Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dug Up From the Old Trench

I originally wrote this in September 2008.  I'm re-posting an updated version now, because it just seems fitting considering the season. 


I am wrapping paper's Bitch.

I'm the one who will only use wire-edged, fabric ribbon on gifts. I'm the one who will only use "high quality" paper that's nice and thick and much more appropriate for wrapping a 6 pound beef roast as opposed to a box from Amazon. I'm the one scouring the aisles after Christmas for the excellent deals and hoarding my finds until the following year. I'm the one who will only use color coordinated tissue paper when I have to wrap something inside the Amazon box. 

And while I'm at it, let's discuss tape, shall we? Because tape matters. That nasty, frosty tape simply will not do on my works of arpresentations presents under the tree or at birthday celebrations. Nope. What's the point of using lovely paper if you're going to ruin the overall effect by  advertising that THIS IS WHERE I TAPED THE SEAMS TOGETHER? I like the Scotch brand, satin finish, gift wrap tape, thankyouverymuch.  

Bags are a personal affront unless they have been customized to the point of ridiculousness. For instance, the last time I wrapped presents in a bag, I personally decorated them. With cutouts of shoes. On hand-made marbled paper. From a stencil I made. Garnished with two kinds of ribbon. And stamped tissue paper. 


I just re-read that last paragraph.  

I should probably be committed.

Moving on...

For the sake of research and accuracy, I just counted what's in my stash. I have 26 rolls of wrapping paper. This doesn't include the marble paper I bought over the summer or the awesome vintage stuff I scored at an estate sale last year. 

Frankly, I don't find 26 rolls of paper unreasonable at all.

Honestly, I thought it was more. 

I know. I KNOW. On so many levels, wrapping paper is just wrong. And believe me, I've tried (well, not really) to break my little habit.

Here are all the arguments against Made-in-China-Hobby Lobby/Target-issued wrapping paper. Feel free to jump in with more. I'm sure they're as many arguments against wrapping paper as there are socks without mates in my sock pile. 

The Social Worker Perspective: It's just vulgar. The dollars you spend on wrapping paper could feed a child in Darfur for six years. And the luxury paper is even worse! The dollars you spend on that could feed a village in Darfur for six years.

The Environmentalist Perspective: It's a complete waste of resources. Do you know how much engery is needed to produce said wrapping paper? The trees? The oil? Not to mention the landfill space. If you insist on wrapping gifts, reduce, reuse, recycle! Get some of these and they'll last for years!

The Live Life Simply Perspective: It's an extravagance. Do you honestly NEED wrapping paper? Does your life have room for the clutter of wrapping paper and all its accoutrements?

The Cheapskate Perspective: It's expensive. Those Sunday morning comics are colorful, and you've already paid for them via your subscription. Better yet, pilfer through the neighbor's recycle bin on curbside day and then they're free!

The Artist Perspective: Buy it? Why on earth would you buy wrapping paper when you can wrap up gifts in copies of your own drawings or paintings? Why use paper at all when there are so many other unique ways to present a gift? 

The Mommy Blogger Perspective: OMG! Stamping brown craft paper and using it as wrapping paper is SO CUTE! And while you're wrapping your gift, you can take 15 photos of it from different angles at f/2.0 for a supercloseupshot! and then post them ALL to your Wordpress blog for your 246 followers to "ooooh" and "ahhhh" over! Hello? Multi-tasking!! 

The Shabby-Chic Perspective: Have you not been to a flea market lately? You can find vintage boxes for practically nothing and present your gift in those. Quite unique and so much more fun than wrapping paper. 

The Feminist Perspective: Wrapping paper is just another way for The Man to keep us down.

The Man Perspective: Wait, you're supposed to wrap the gift?

I am completely cognizant of all of these arguments.

And yet.

And yet when I see pink and polka dots and fun patterns....

And it's all ON SALE...

So goes all my capacity for rational thought processes. -> 


Carolyn said...

You funny, girl! I remember the year when I carefully wrapped all the presents in white tissue paper. Then I braided my own ribbon out of embroidery floss, painted designs, etc. etc. etc. The presents were demolished in seconds. I had taken hours upon hours. That was the end.

Tanya said...

Braided your own ribbon!!!


Carolyn said...

Do not respect the (I'm trying to think of a word here to express how I feel, but I am so worried I will insult someone else that reads this blog)! I was much younger and sillier at that time. Now gift bags are my friend. Even more than boxes with square corners!