Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Spiders and Washing Machines

At work, sometimes I have to go up to another building where my electronic key doesn't work.  It's a set-up I'm sure you've seen a thousand times: double doors, anterior space measuring in the tens of square feet, another set of double doors to enter into the actual building.  In this case I can enter the first set of doors, but not the second.  I often go up there to turn in paperwork. My M.O. is to call them when I arrive to the anterior space and wait for them to come and retrieve said paperwork. The paperwork is pretty important and has to be handed off to a person.  

That final detail is important to remember when I tell you that two nights ago I got stuck in the anterior room with a spider. 

There are spiders.  

There are bigger spiders.  

There are really big spiders.  

And then there is evidence that demons have been let loose to roam upon the earth and terrorize me: 

Demon. Shape of: Huge-Ass Spider. 
You see those glowing eyes?  


Stuck, nay TRAPPED, in an 8 x 8 room with nothing but this mutant, deviant creature chasing me and moving reallyfast in the process is not OK. 


That's right.  I said "chased." I'm sure some certifiable loon arachnologist-type person would say that the spider was running from me. That I was scaring her.  I maintain she was circling around so she could take me from behind. Her ultimate plan was to crawl up to the ceiling, spin herself a rope and bungee jump right on my head, thus terrifying me into a faint. Then she could take her sweet time wrapping me up like a tamale.  Can you guess where she stopped to break before her initial ascent?

Right in front of the doors leading outside. 


You how spiders eat, right?  You KNOW what they do, right?  They don't just mummify you so they can suck your blood. Oh, no. They ingest venom into you which liquefies your insides and then they dine on that mush.  


Tanya the Tamale Smoothie.  

Say you: Where did you learn that? 

These are the tidbits one picks up when, what was in retrospect a clear lapse of judgement, one buys her son a copy of The Encyclopedia of Everything Nasty. Sons then have the audacity to share said book with their little sisters. Don't think for a minute having girls saves you from the abundance of gross knowledge your progeny happily gain, and then tragically share, from this little read. They may like it even more than the boys. 

Where was I? 

Oh yes.

Mutant Deviant Spider stalking me so she could mummify me and turn me into a smoothie.  

Say you: Why didn't you just open the door and let it out?
Say me: OK first of all, did you catch she was right by the door going outside?  Secondly, do you really think I didn't try that?  When she moved again, I DID open the doors. The bitch wouldn't leave! And there was no way I was going to touch her.  *shudder* 

Say you: I'm sure it wasn't that big. 

Say me:  Way ahead of you. I took a special picture so you could get a sense of scale: 

The problem here being was that then she was guarding my keys.  Every time I bent down to retrieve them, she would move.  Towards me.  Thinking that perhaps a direct assault would be more advantageous than the stealth, bungee-jump approach, no doubt. 

When I showed these pictures yesterday to Little Missy, her immediate response was not concern for her mother's cardiac rhythms from the night before, but whether or not it was a boy spider or a girl spider. 

Gee, sorry sweetie. We didn't get around to discussing that. 

She made this inquiry several times though, for she couldn't seem to digest the fact that I didn't want to be digested. She even chastised me for assuming devil spider was a girl. Exasperated with explaining to her how close to death I was, I finally asked her why it was so important to know this particular minutiae.  The reply: 

"Because girl spiders are bigger than boy spiders. There could be bigger ones than that one."  

That made me feel much better.  

Bigger demon, creepy-ass, mutant, monster spiders roaming the planet gunning for me.  Excellent. 

And before you get on to me about being paranoid or having delusions of grandeur, or both, I have proof that paranormal forces have my number.  

My washing machine, which lives right outside my bedroom door, has been turning itself on and beeping willy-nilly at odd hours for months! Its preferred time is about 3 in the morning.  


On and on and on, until either I or The Geek is forced to stomp out of bed and unplug the blasted thing.  

I tried to take a video of it to prove the random turning-on-and-beeping-phenomena to you not once but twice.  I got out the camera while the beeping was going on and as soon as I hit "record" the beeping stopped, never to be heard from again. I'll show you. And pump up the volume on your computer, because it doesn't matter (11 seconds):    

Quiet as a graveyard. You know as well as I do that only a machine possessed by something evil and not-of-this-world could be so cunning.  

Are the washing machine and the "spider" merely a coincidence?  I think not.  -> 


The Boy, when reading this: It's really not that big of a spider.  
Me: *contemplating ways to get the "not that big of a spider" into his car. Or bed. Or locker at school.* 


sarahbb said...

I had to avert my eyes and quickly scroll. That is SO that big of a spider.

I think we have the same washing machine and have the same phantom beeping issue. Used to do it pretty frequently but I had forgotten about it until I read this - so I guess it stopped? So weird.

Kim Zahller said...

Hahahaha! I didn't realize at first this was you. I thought you'd just posted a blog from someone else. When I realized it was you, it made it even funnier! Especially since I've seen your daughter kiss a cockroach.

Anonymous said...

I was googling "spiders in washing machines" since my fiance has killed 3 HUGE scary spiders that belong in the depths of hell. Anyways he caught a fourth in a container so we could show the landlord and the anyways thanks for the laugh.