Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Free to a Good Home: One Old, Angry Cat

Old Angry Cat is losing a little bit of hair.  

Well, that's not quite accurate.  

I think it's more accurate to say my cat looks like a chemo survivor:

Odd, because he doesn't have cancer. 

And I know this because we had him tested. 

There's a story. 

Here's an abridged version of the play-by-play with the vet.  


Me: He's going bald!

Vet: He has ear mites. You need to treat him with two different kinds of ear mite medication. The first is eighteen drops a day for ten days over the course of an exact twelve-hour window starting and ending at 9:23. The second is to be given to him on the half and new moon. At night. Between the hours of ten and ten-oh-nine. And we really need to run some blood work, but that will cost you the same amount of money that you spend on groceries every week. Plus you have to pay for an office visit.  And buy the ear mite medication, of course. Both of them.

Me: But he's going bald...

The Vet: Give him a bath. Use a soft plastic brush to exfoliate. He has dry skin.  

{That's right, folks. A bath. With water. 

He took that well. 

You heard him, right?} 


Me: He's still going bald. 

Vet: I'm pretty sure he has mange, but I can't find it in the skin scrapings. Anyway, here's a prescription for a mange medicine because I'm sure this is the problem. This will cost you sixty dollars and we don't have it here, so you have to go home and order it yourself. Then you have to give it to him on alternating Wednesdays that contain the number eight. 

Me: And this will help with the hair growth? 

Vet: Oh, give him another bath. Here's some super, special medicated shampoo that is specifically formulated for cats and dogs and horses and will cost twenty-five bucks. But you're only going to use it one time because he's losing fur so you don't want to keep giving him a bath with the magic shampoo. By the way, I still want to do blood work, which hasn't been reduced in price.

(On a side note, I'm thinking I can use the magic shampoo on myself since I have so much left over. With all its divine properties, surely it will prevent my hair from going any more grey than it already is, right?) 


Me: He's still bald. And what's worse, he's mutating. Look, he grew a tooth at the end of his tail:

The vet, accusingly: did you give him special sixty-dollar medication? 

Me: {defensive} Yes!!

The vet {clearly not believing me}: How many times? Every alternating Wednesdays with an eight in them like we discussed, right? 

Me: YES! I've given him two treatments now and he still looks like Gollum. 

The vet: We really need to do the bloodwork (cha-ching)

Me: (sigh) Fine! Go ahead.   


The vet: Well, he has infected paws, so we reccomend an antibiotic (cha-ching). And he has a yeast infection so we reccomend this special anti-fungal bath (cha-ching.) You need to mix exactly 1,323 drops of it with half a gallon of holy water and, this is important, DO NOT rinse it off. And I want to see him back in a week because he has an elevated white blood count (cha-ching.)

For those of you not keeping count, we are now up to three baths. 

With water.  


To add insult to injury on this last go-round, Old Angry Cat had to marinate in the stuff--get this--until he dried off completely.  

He thinks I'm Lucifer. 

And I swear, neighbors were thisclose to calling 911 after the latest "bathing" episode, as it sounded like I was murdering not only both my children but a herd of baby lambs in my house. And since I had to leave him in the bathroom until he was almost dry, the yowling went on for what I know was a full tidal cycle.

Say you: Why did you have to leave him locked in the bathroom? 

Say me: the solution was the color of yellow food coloring. Seriously. Ponder, for a moment, little yellow paw prints ALL over the house. Not to mention yellow water splashes ALL over the house from the inevitable attempts to shake himself dry. I had one highly aggrevated feline on my hands who had nothing but REVENGE blinking on and off in his head, and he was primed to inflict maxium damage.

Bonus! The vet was not being wholly forthcoming when she said the anti-fungal rinse didn't "smell very good." 

It's a sulfur based medication.  

My house smelled like flatulence for a solid day following that treatment. 

Grand Total: 

$500 dollars spent on treatments to make the cat not bald
1 cat who remains bald
3 visits to the vet
2 ear mite medications
1 mange mite medication
14 days of administering said medication
3 baths 

Say you: You're stuck on this one, aren't you?
Say me: YOU give your cat three baths and then see where you are with it.  

1 more antibiotic treatment*
1 more mange treatment
3 more fart baths 

When I posted this on Facebook, one friend replied something to the effect of "isn't it amazing what we'll do for those pets when they sneak into our hearts?" 

To which I replied that it wasn't that Old Angry Cat snuck into my heart so much as he threatened to haunt me for the remainder of my days unless I found out why he looks like Zombie Kitty before he passed over. 

Wait a second.... -> 

*Subject to change

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

poor people can't go to the vet - consider your $500 charity. Mom