Friday, July 13, 2012

I'm Brilliant!

The Boy is considering colleges. Seeing as theoretically he could be moving from the house and moving into a dorm in 13 month's time, this is not unreasonable. He's narrowed his choices to two that he would really, REALLY like to attend. 

He has BMW aspirations. 

We have a used Kia budget.  

In his world, he will graduate from University of Tulsa but the University of Texas at Austin would work just as well. Both of which have retail price tags that are enough to make any cardiologist weep with sheer joy. Tulsa is a private university, meaning you do the math. And UT at Austin? Well, it's out of state so he might as well be applying to Princeton.  

But I have a plan. 

Oh, don't talk to me about loans, grants, scholarships, or having a discussion with him about lowering his expectations. None of this will be necessary because my plan is totally, utterly full proof.  

No doubt you've heard the expression something "will cost an arm and a leg". Well I've done the math. Being a social worker, and one that works as a contractor to boot, my extremities are worth nothing more than tuition for one year at a state school. And let me be clear: I'm not talking about The University of Oklahoma or Oklahoma State here. I'm talking about some tiny state institution holed up in a backwater town. Picture, if you will, Sorthweest Oklahoma U in Bluejacket, Oklahoma.* That's what my leg and arm are worth. 

Paris Hilton's extremities, however, are worth a LOT more.  

I'm going to harvest them.  

It won't be dodgy affair though. I don't think I can get nearly the amount of money for her arm and leg by hiring a professional amputator** and selling them on the black market.  No, I'm going to go about this in a completely legitimate and thoroughly 2012 way: I'm going to start an internet campaign that will no doubt go viral in hours the ultimately force her to donate them. All it takes is for the Reddit community to get wind of my plan. I totally have that one covered because The Geek's been on Reddit for years. Everyone knows once Reddit gets it in their collective heads that something needs to happen, they make it happen. Plus I think we all know celebrities are all about philanthropy and Paris is sorta lacking in this area. What celebrity wouldn't want to donate extremities to help send a kid with Asperger's Syndrome*** to college so he can ultimately make the world a better place, especially with Reddit shaming them into action? (We'll ignore for the moment that he wants to be an attorney.) Plus I'm talking PARIS HILTON. I personally think an arm and a leg is overkill. 

All she has to do is offer to sell her thumb--perhaps plated in platinum--at a charity auction and I'm telling you, my kid's going to Dartmouth and then Yale Law School for fucking free.**** It could be her left thumb. I would totally be OK with her going under general anesthesia for the procedure. And getting a prescription for 10mg Lortab for months afterwards. Since she's going to take care of The Boy's future, I don't think asking her to suffer is very polite. And let's face it, Paris could use the karma.  

I TOLD you. Fool. Proof. -> 

Song of the week: 

*Not an actual school. Sorthweest is an actual direction, though. And Bluejacket is a real town.  
**amputator is an actual word. On this blog. 
***printed with permission 
****And I mean FREE. Fees, books, living expenses, traveling, everything.

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