Realit...

So there's this new game that made its way on my phone via my brother.  


Who is now on my list for forcing me to play it, but that's another matter all together.  


It is, in a word, deadly.  


In all kinds of ways. 


It's akin to a little slot machine--a grid of letters appears before you and you have two minutes to find as many words as you possibly can. The reward is all the words you make because you are oh-so-smart. 


Think electronic Boggle.


Here's an example of a game board*: 

You can make words any way you want, as long as the letters touch each other either vertically, horizontally or diagonally. But you can't use a letter more than once in a word. Look: 

Ai
Ail
Ails
Tails
Rails
Quilt
Quilts
Soy
Wet


All legal plays.  


Those S's thrown in are fabulous because then you can make a lot of words plural for easy extra points. Or you can tuck them on to the beginning of a word, like "it" becomes "sit".   


For the record, squilt is not a word.  


I tried. 


Twice. 


The trouble is the clock is running, so your brain starts playing tricks on you. You see a string of letters and tell yourself you can make a word like, say, "reality" but the "Y" is all the way in the upper right-hand corner, therefore unavailable. 


But that can't be right because "reality" is a GREAT word and the "Y" HAS to be there for you to make the play.  


So you try to make that word again.  


And again.  


And again.


Because you're not so quick the first two times around and surely the Y moved on your fourth try.  


Greasy wheel and all that.  


But of course it doesn't. 


All of which costs you precious time. Plus your brain just freezes when confronted with the pressure of the ticking clock and your vocabulary is reduced to that of a two-year old. Therefore making the word "yowler" is out of the question.


With this particular board, I made 38 words to my brother's 41**. Which brings me to another awful part of this mental crack:  The game has the nerve to show you, in BOLD lettering, the words your opponent found and you didn't.


Like "quilter". 


It's humiliating.  


Especially when there's a string of 7 or 8 or 9 words all right there that s/he found and you didn't and are blindingly obvious in hindsight.


And I discovered last night that you can see ALL the potential words on a given board. But it doesn't make me feel nearly as bad not finding those words because who is supposed to see a word like "beshrew" (different game board) when the clock is running and only people like David Foster Wallace know that word anyway?  


But you want to know the worst thing about this game?  


I suck.  


And I'm competitive. 


Bad combo.  


Look, I'll prove it with pictures. All you have to do is a quick comparison to see that my skills are sorely lacking. 


This is against my brother--the defeat hurt as it was only a 10 point loss for me: 

And then there's this woman.  I haven't beat her yet.  

My brother got me involved with her. I want to kill him. 

And another: 

I can beat her every now and again. If she's a lung short that day. 

But those opponents I listed up there are amateurs. Apprentices. Casual Sunday Drivers compared to my friend: 

That right there? 


That is typical of our scores. 


The FIRST time out the gate--our first round on our first game I made 42 words.  


She made 85.


Comparatively speaking I am sporting the brain of a dodo bird. Evidenced by the fact that I keep going back for more.  


Of course it could be that I have delusions of grandeur and believe that next time we play she will simply tank and I will wipe the floor with her bum. 


Or perhaps I'm just a sadist.  


Probably a combination of all three. -> 



*Yes, I sacrificed three whole seconds to take the picture. I'm that dedicated to my blog.  


**He won of course, 1107 to 947. 

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

You know my phone got stolen, right?  


Say you: Seriously?  You're STILL harping on that?  
Say me: Yes.  Bitter, I am.  But there's a story so hang with me.  


I was fortunate enough to have not sold my old iPhone after I acquired my new one.  


And before I go any further, let's be clear here: Once one upgrades to a smart phone, there's simply no going back.  And once one becomes a member of the iPhone club, it's only a matter of time before they are a default member of the Apple cult.  In which no. Other. Phone. Will. Do. Period.  


Where was I? 


Oh, yeah.  My old iPhone.  His name was iFrank. I had been sitting on it for months after I purchased the 4.  I meant to put it up on eBay but was frankly just lazy about doing so.  Part of my laziness stemmed from the fact that I didn't think anyone would buy it.  It's a first generation.  It's slow.  It uses EDGE technology for data roaming, after all.  Meaning it's slow.  The camera is a 2 megapixel (the 4 has 5 megapixels, the 5 is rumored to have 8) with no flash, so the pictures aren't that great.  There's no video component. The GPS isn't a GPS at all, but some weird jerry-rigged cell phone tower locating software.  To add insult to injury, my incase for it had long since deteriorated and rendered itself useless:  

Taken with 2 megapixel iPhone First Gen. 

If I wanted to get all be-thankful-for-what-you-have about it, I was fortunate to have iFrank lying around.  I was fortunate I could walk around with a smart phone of any kind.  I was fortunate enough to be living in a country where such luxuries come with ease. 


Naturally that wasn't my initial take on the matter.  


For a solid week, I bitched. I moaned. I groaned. I complained. I whined. I compulsively searched the web for iPhone 5 release dates. Never mind that I could still check my email and play Words with Friends and waste time on Facebook and surf online and take Hipstamatic pictures and listen to podcasts and make notes for myself and remind myself of tasks via voice memo and text. Oh, I could also still you know, talk on the phone. But did I mention how SLOW it is?  It's really slow.  


Me, to The Geek: OhmiGod this phone is so slow. 
The Geek: Well, go out and buy another phone.  It's fine.  Just insure it this time. 


Later: 


Me: I can't even use the Stitcher Radio app!  The first gen doesn't support it.  ARGH!  
The Geek (reading, not looking up): Yeah, babe.  I'm sorry. 


Later: 


Me: My photo transfer app isn't supported by this archaic piece of crap either!  ARGH!!  
The Geek (completely ignoring me): Uh, huh. 


Later: 


Me: OhmiGOD.  Have I mentioned how fucking SLOW this phone is??? 
The Geek, thoroughly done with my angst: Then go out and buy another phone. I don't care.  Just insure it this time. 


Fast forward 13 days from the day my phone was stolen and one week from my daily my-life-sucks-I'm-forced-to-use-a-first-generation-iPhone-because-some-bastard-stole-my-superior-iPhone rants.  


I got called to work.  I get there and start trolling the parking lot for a reasonable place to park. Naturally there are none close to where I need to be. This greatly irritates me.  I'm running late and I need to get in the building and on the unit that requested my presence.  The answering service has already called me to warn the unit is looking for me and am I close to arrival? Clearly the world, and more specifically my place of employment, owes me a parking spot right next to the door I need for entry so I don't have to traipse a third of mile in heels and be later than I already am.  


I make another loop around the lot and then I see them.  Five unused parking places right in a row reserved for expectant mothers.

Huh.  


I suppose this is a new trend. I certainly don't remember there being special parking places reserved just for me and my belly back when I was pregnant.  When I was pregnant I had to hoof it across ten miles of parking spaces all the way to the mall and sometimes it was 121 degrees outside. And why should expectant mothers get their own parking place anyway?  They got themselves in that condition after all.  It's surely not MY fault they're all big and round and retaining water and miserable in their current state.  


My mind was churning.  I was late.  I needed to make an appearance quickly.  There were five unused parking spaces close to the door and I'm a woman who is still (technically) in her birthing years. No one was going to ask if I was actually pregnant because that would just be rude. I doubted anyone was even paying attention. Besides, I was pregnant not once but twice and as I said, I had to hoof it across 15 miles of asphalt in 128 degree temperatures and never did a parking lot offer me my own space. Ever.  


Screw it.  


I wasn't pregnant and I didn't care.  I parked in one of those spots and I was being so defiant about it that despite my hurry, I fished out my first generation iPhone with a 2 megapixel camera, lifted my arm high and took aim at that stupid, exclusive sign.  I was going to post it to Facebook, by God, and brag about how I was sticking it to The Man....


Say you: Weren't you technically sticking it to your pregnant sisters? 
Say me:  That's when I dropped the phone. 


Face down.  


On the cement.  


The sound was gut-wrenching. 


When I picked it up and turned it over, I was greeted with this:   

Click for a larger, more horrifying view.  

Oh, but it gets better!  Because not only did I destroy the protective glass over the screen, I damaged the actual screen.  Take a gander: 

You know you want this phone.

See all those gray lines going across it?  Turns out  iFrank doesn't take too kindly to being dropped on really hard surfaces.  


I think it's fair to say I got bitch-slapped by karma.  -> 

Dell

We have a Dell plant in Oklahoma City.  I've always wondered what they do there. Without checking The Googles, I'm going go to assume it's a call center.  I just drove by it today, in fact. Stand by while I check to see if I'm correct...


BINGO!  


Although Dell calls it a "Customer Contact Center".  Which makes the job all the more appealing, I'm sure.  -> 

INC

2/$3.33

If this photo looks familiar, it is.  I took essentially the same picture on the third day of the project on August 22, 2010.  It was a Sunday.  

And so, on a Sunday almost a year later thus coming full circle, I returned to the same store and recorded the same subject matter. Note the price of the items increased by 11% in less than a year.  This is what prompted me to take the picture.  But there's more to the story, because the day before I took this picture I lost my uber phone.  I got it in October of last year, a full two months in to the project. Therefore I was forced to take a step back in time and start using my old iPhone (a first generation, I'll have you know) again. So not only did I take the picture using the same subject matter, I'm using the same equipment.  

The end of the project then, which is rapidly approaching (!), will be as it started: Hipstamatic application on a first generation iPhone.  

By the way, I'm SO upgrading.  I'm just holding out for the 5, which doesn't hit the market for a few weeks. -> 

My Brilliant Obtuse Moments

Not the pic of the day. Read on.  You'll discover why it's here. 

My phone got stolen yesterday.  


That's right.  


Stolen.  


I brought it in with me to Circle K.  Herein lies my first mistake, as this is something I don't normally do.  I was going in for the purpose of buying fountain drinks, and I sent The Geek a quick text asking him if he preferred Diet Dr. Pepper or Diet Coke.  My second mistake was offering to bring him anything at all, which will become clear in just a moment.  After I typed the text, I put it the phone on the counter. Third mistake.  


Say you: Why didn't you just put your phone in your pocket? 
Say me: I was wearing my workout clothes.  They have no pockets.  


Anyway.  I had to carry TWO drinks from the fountain to the front counter to pay, which is not normal for me.  Normally I only have to carry one drink (for myself) and then my other hand is free to grab my keys and phone, which I generally don't have with me but if I do have it with me I have five extra fingers with which to retrieve it.  But if you're carrying two drinks, there's no extra hand space.  A Thirty-two ounce drink requires the full attention of your hand and digits. Two thirty-two ounce drinks, therefore, requires the full attention of both hands and all digits, meaning there was little room for anything else. I'm lucky I was able to make room for the keys, let alone my phone.   


You see where I'm going here?  


It's The Geek's fault my phone was stolen.  


Say you: It has nothing to do with the fact that you're old or you didn't bring a purse with you or you should have left your phone in the car or.... 


Say me: you digress.  


So it's out there floating around. Realistically, whoever took the phone had the memory wiped within a couple of hours.  Who knows, maybe they kept it for themselves. Before they wiped the memory, though, I'm sure they poked around.  I can't imagine someone stealing a phone and then having the moral fortitude to not be nosy.    


Do you realize all the personal information that is on my phone?  It's a digital imprint of me and my life.  Over the last 36 hours, the enormity of what was on that hard drive has crystallized.  It goes beyond my music and my pictures.  I had a ton of games on there, my banking information (thank God this was password protected), all of my contacts with their phone numbers, emails, my text messages, my search history on the internet, my Facebook account, some recordings of sounds that I made when I was abroad (the morning prayers that were broadcast every day in Istanbul was one of them.)


Oh, the notes!  God, I use the note feature all the time for all kinds of stuff: my kids' social security numbers, books I want to read, music I want to listen to, a running list of good words to use in Words with Friends (Bastards.  They could have gone in there and made plays on my behalf), friends' birthdays and anniversaries, my billing information from last week.  Losing this information alone irritates the living daylights out of me.  I hate having to go back and dig through my folder for patient information and making up mileage numbers for the nit-picky people at work who cut me mileage checks.  


But the most egregious fact about this matter is not that I had to deal with AT&T both in person and on the phone yesterday and today, not the fact that I lost my expensive Otter box along with the phone,  but the fact that I'm now forced to use my original iPhone with it's slow processor and nothing-better-than-EDGE-roaming-technology.  


It's a travesty.  


I did so many things wrong before my phone got stolen that I feel compelled to make a full-on Public Service Announcement. For your reading enjoyment, I offer you the Tanya Is Stupid list.  You can laugh learn at my expense. (Warning: third person perspective for the next several bullet points)


Tanya Is Stupid Because She....


1. Offered to bring her husband a fountain drink, which left no free hands with which to grab other stuff.  Lesson learned.  She's never bringing him one again. 
2. Left the phone on the counter in a store.  Don't do this.  
3. Brought the phone in to the store with no purse and wearing nothing with pockets.  Don't do this.
4. Didn't realize her phone was missing for at least an hour.  Don't do this.  Seriously. Pay attention. 
5. Didn't password protect her phone.  She used to, long ago and far away, but she found it to be a Grade AA+ (not AAA. She downgraded this hassle rating) pain-in-the-arse to type in a code every time she went to use the phone.  No longer.  If it gets stolen by someone who knows what they're doing, the password can be worked around to access the phone. It just takes much longer.  And she doesn't want to make anything easy for some pilfering asshole in the future.  Put a password on your phone.  And then tell it to erase all data after 10 unsuccessful log-on attempts.
6. Didn't have any of the nifty little find my phone applications installed.  Frankly, she didn't even know about them until it was way too late.    
7. Hasn't synced her phone to the computer since last October.  Meaning a lot of my info is simply gone.  *Poof*   Don't do this.  Go sync your phone. Right after you put a password on it. On the upside of this, she was treated to pictures that she took last year for this project and then rejected, like the one posted up there.  Interesting, to look at cast-offs several months later. 
8. Didn't change her passwords on either her Facebook or email account that filters to her phone until just now.  Don't do this.  Change them immediately. 
9. Didn't have the phone on any kind of insurance policy.  None. Zip. Nadda.  



Say you: You don't have on this list that you could just simply NOT purchase a smart phone.  Then you save yourself a lot of heart ache by not getting too attached to it and not having all that personal information on it that some nefarious character could utilize.  


Say me:  Reality only on my blog, please. 


Now, as the counter-argument to my Tanya is Stupid list, I offer you my Tanya is Smart list.  Consider this the Fox News viewpoint of this particular entry. 


Tanya is Smart Because She....


1. Didn't put her old iPhone on Ebay like she planned to because she is a AAA procrastinator (read: lazy).  DO THIS! You never know if you're going to need it again.  Besides, it may be worth something in twenty years, thirty, forty years. 
2.  
3. 
4.  (crickets....)


Say you: That's it? That's all you were smart about
Say me: *looking at you in irritated silence and pointedly ignoring the question*


On a completely different note, I still have the box.  Meaning I still have the serial number.  And I am a woman scorned.  I know the phone won't make or receive calls any longer, but the device can still be used like a touch.  I'm calling those "geniuses" at Apple tomorrow and am going to see if they can brick my phone remotely.  They do everything else, right?  Surely they can self-destruct. Preferably while the new "owner" is trying to use it.  I doubt it though.  It's probably jailbroken and on some black market website by now.  But a girl can hope.  


UPDATE:  Apparently crime pays.  There is no self-destruct feature on the iPhone.  iTake great issue with that and personally think it should be a feature added to iPhone 5.  Come on, Steve. Get with the program.  James Bond had this technology back in the 60's. Man up! And let me be clear here: I'm not speaking metaphorically when I say "self-destruct".  I mean I want a feature that you can access remotely that forces the phone to internally combust.  I don't want anyone getting hurt, of course.  You can make it so the phone starts glowing a bright red first as a warning.  Within a minute it starts turning hot--so hot that a user is forced to drop it before it begins smoking and eventually explodes.  Well, maybe I'm lying.  Maybe I want people who steal the phones to get hurt.  But nothing more than 2nd degree burns on their index fingers.  And thumbs.  And perhaps some singing of the eyebrows.  But that's it! 


Additionally, despite what the representatives at AT&T told me,  the thieving cur who lifted my phone can actually use it as a phone.  All s/he has to do is put in a new SIM card.  Viola!  


I have one word for you, Person Walking Around With My Uber Gizmo: karma. -> 

Related articles

• Lost or Stolen Smartphone? Three Actions to Take After It Happens (blogcritics.org)

Earth

-Posted using (enter requisite phrase which brags about your cool gadgets and applications for said gadget here)

Angry Birds

 

Now available on your pajama pants.  ->

Neon

I was going for a two-fer here: The neon bracelets which are must during summer night play-dates, and the fact that this child is carrying her mother's iPhone. (To be fair, it was just for a minute.)  But you can't quite tell it's an iPhone from this vantage point, so I'm not quite pleased with the shot.  Oh, well.  -> 


(On a completely different note, I wonder if I should tone down those colors?)  

(Yep.  I think so.)  

60+ inches

Airport Wireless

Wow.  That's all blurry. It didn't look blurry on the phone at all.  Of course, when I took the picture I had been up for about 24 hours, so that may have had something to do with it.  -> 

Canon

Day one of my big trip. This is in the Houston airport. I never cease to be astounded by the vending machines selling electronics.

For the record, we're fine. Oklahoma got some scary weather yesterday, but Norman was safe. We were scared for a bit, but in the end all was well. ->

Art & Copy

I streamed a movie on Netflix and watched it on my Samsung screen.  I sipped a Diet Coke out of my 7-11 cup and procrastinated sewing the button back on The Boy's Old Navy shorts.  

The movie I watched?  Art & Copy, a 2009 documentary about advertising.  

Here are some stats from the film:  

1. 75% of American homes have 3 or more televisions. 
2. Food companies spent $32 billion on advertising in 2008
3. A 30 second ad on American Idol costs $750,000 
4. A 30 second ad during the Super Bowl costs $2.7 million
5. Each year the average child sees 20,00 television commercials
6. 80% of all advertising is produced by 4 global holding companies

And some words of wisdom from advertising gurus (whose names I didn't record. Because I was being lazy and didn't feel like picking through the film and finding them again):  

"I hope people understand that brands can be dangerous.  They're like a TV channel that you get locked in to." 

"Fear is a very powerful depressant" 

"Great advertising makes food taste better".  (from the dude who designed the "I Want My MTV campaign")

This project of mine has been an exploration of consumerism and I've never pretended to lead or plan on leading a consumer-free existence.  It's an impossible task.  So in that spirit and I'm taking the complete opposite approach to day and listing my favorite ads.  

Say you: WHAT? 

Say me:  Stop.  We all have them, so don't try and shy away from it.  

Favorite ads of yore:  The touchy-feely Coca-Cola commercials.  


From my teens: The MTV commercials.  Once upon a time, MTV actually played music videos. Did you know that?   "Where's the Beef" was quite entertaining.  And Are you old enough to remember Nancy Reagan's Just Say No campaign?  That egg is forever imprinted. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. 

Recent years: The Budweiser Frogs.  Hello?  Brilliant.  Coke's polar bear?  I hate to admit it, but their marketing is oh, so effective. 

Contemporary ads: The iPod spreads are beautiful.  Plus the spoofs are always fantastic.  I also love the Absolut vodka print spreads (scroll down.  The hangman one is spectacular).  Eye candy, every one of them.  Christmas time always offers some great ads, and Target, damn them, last year combined humor with my all-time favorite Christmas carol. 

Then there's the best ad to EVER hit the airwaves:  ->

Gadget, Book And Music. Oh My.

 

Spring cleaning lead me to finding my very first iPod lurking in the depths of one of Little Missy's Stuff Containers in her room this past weekend.  

Amazing, isn't it, how quickly Yesterday's Hottest Item becomes today's cast-offs?  

I loved my iPod mini (version 1.4.1, 4 G).  I named him iBob and we went everywhere together.  I even bought (yes, bought, not borrowed) a book about how wonderful said iPod was.  I was devastated when I went out of town once and convinced myself I left it in the hotel.  My husband, dear that he is, replaced it with a nano, but I found iBob the next day (it was in the suitcase.  Yes, I checked it.  Like, a dozen times) and returned the newer! flashier! model, which astounded the sales clerk.  

And then came iPhone.  

Just like that, my beloved mini was rendered obsolete and unceremoniously handed down to the progeny.  Who obviously forgot about it too.  

Poor thing.  

I charged it up yesterday.  It doesn't hold a charge for long now, and the click wheel is a bit persnickety, but it still works fine. I even have 1.3 gig of space left on it.  

Interesting, to go back through and check out music that was in high rotation four years ago.  And bonus! An album on the pod that's not in iTunes for some inexplicable reason.  Now if I can just transfer it....

Related articles

• Flip is Dead. MP3 Players, Point & Shoot Cameras Next? (news.dice.com)
• The Best iPod Touch Apps of All Time (brighthub.com)

Check out my SwankoPrint!

(Developed in SwankoLab for iPhone using Grizzle Fix and Noir Fixer)


It's a two-for-one today!


New photo app for the phone coupled with the regular picture.  -> 


(Any guesses as to what game The Geek was playing?)  

Not included

I'm aware this is a dreadfully boring picture, but it comes attached to a tale, so bear with me.  

My little girl's birthday was yesterday, but the family celebrated it today in the regular fashion: dinner  at home with a menu requested by the Birthday Person, presents and cake to follow. Sometimes it's just the four of us.  Sometimes grandparents come along for the ride.  

Say you: What was today's menu? 

Say me: Obviously this has nothing to do with my story, but if you must know it was baby back ribs, french fries, fresh strawberries and black berries, and birthday cake.  Flavor of cake: chocolate with disgustingly sweet vanilla butter cream icing.  Yes.  I made the cake from scratch.  And the icing.  And the bar-b-que sauce.   And the ribs. And I grew my own strawberries (Ok, not really on that last one.)

Onward.  

With the start of the family blog, she decided that she wanted to add her very own photos and commentary.   Fair enough.  So she requested a digital camera for her birthday.  I made no promises but decided I'd likely get her an inexpensive one. I found a reasonably priced one at Darth Mart last weekend and noticed that, unsurprisingly, it required batteries.  I bought them (rechargeable) and went home feeling flush with success that I got a nifty little camera for thirty bucks: software for uploading to various photo sites, 4 x digital zoom, video clips, flash, good resolution, and bonus!  It was pink!  

What I didn't notice...in fact what no one noticed until the camera was busted out of that stupid plastic packaging that requires a machete and the patience of Job, was that the blasted thing needed a memory card.  And there's the warning right there on the packaging.  But in my defense it was written in 6 point type  which I'm sure was not at all deliberate by the manufacturer. 

So here's my daughter wanting to take pictures with her brand new device and she's denied because there's no memory card.  

But not for long!  

Thankfully, it was Dad to the rescue as he was able to pilfer one from another gadget in the house.  See?  We reused! 

Say you: Where's the plastic from the camera now?  

Say me: It's in the recycle bin.  That stuff is #2, right?  -> 

Dotties

 

For a better view of what I photographed, you can go here.  Apparently there's a sale now so hurry!  Get one right now!  

In the store, this little darling will set you back $25 plus tax.  But the good news is you can change out those dots thus changing the look of your case.  How cool is that? And I promise you this: you won't lose one of those silicon dottie thingys when they're not in use.  Ever. ->

glass

I got suckered into buying this...

Fine. I didn't get suckered. I was completely compulsive and bought this after reading a chapter (that's right.  A chapter. Not the whole book, but one chapter) in this book. 

I got it home, ripped it out of the packaging, configured the settings, got it on once and was appalled at the numbers. And now of course, since I've decided it's important to research a new product following the purchase of said new product, I discover that they're not all that accurate.  


So it's been sitting in my room awaiting me to return it.  Which I swear I'm going to do. Really. Very, very soon.  ->

Core 2

Swingline

 

When you care enough to own the very best.  ->