Monday, February 20, 2012

Oiled Guns

Full disclosure?  

I was totally shopping for a gun pic in a museum the other day so I didn't have to go out and get another picture later.  

And I found one!  

I was with a friend. We were looking at this glorious, colorful painting. 

The conversation went something like this: 

Me (pointing): If you turned that on its side, it looks like a gun.  

Him: That's a sword. With flowers coming out the top....Now THAT guy is holding a gun:  

Me, to him: Yeah, I guess he is.  
Me, to myself: Whatever. He's holding an umbrella.  

And then I got a closer look.  The woman above umbrella dude is holding not one, but two pistols! Look: 

Well, admittedly, I sorta ruined the effect here. In my attempt to draw attention to the guns, I actually drew the beginnings of a (frightfully poor) rendition of the The Scream: 

Or a woman's (really saggy) guns. Which I learned when I was at the museum was a euphemism for knockers.   

Who knew? 

The man with me, that's who. Leave it to a man, including a gay man, to have memorized the complete dictionary of synonyms for that part of the female anatomy. I do believe this ability comes encoded in the Y gene.

On a side note, now that I know "guns" are another name for hooters, I feel compelled to post a picture of a pair one week. You know, so as to get me out of my comfort zone and therefore not compromise my artistic integrity.*

Which means I have to find a female model. And probably some booze, since that's all I have to offer as incentive for posing for me. I can't use stock images as that would be be cheating. Rest assured it won't be a self breastrait because 1) my family reads this blog and I don't want to traumatize them and 2)you read this blog and I don't want to traumatize you. Because those guns up there? Perky compared to mine.  

Moving on.

She's wielding handguns, amiright?  

ANYWAY...I digress.  

Just to prove my friend completely and utterly wrong, I got The Boy in here for fortification: 

Me, pointing to the big, red gun that is obviously a gun with fire and blood shooting out the end of it: What does this look like to you if it's turned on its side?

Him(tilting head): A sword.  

Me: Go away.  

Him: What's it supposed to look like? 

Me: A gun. 

Him: It's a sword!  It doesn't look anything like a gun. It doesn't have a fore grip. Or a magazine. The silouette isn't even remotely the same.  

Me: GO AWAY!  

Betrayed by the progeny.  

He's sleeping on the trampoline tonight. With no access to the popcorn. 

Then I went for a clearer path of solidarity. 

The Geek.  

I make pot pies and chocolate-chip cookies for this man. I do his laundry. I bore his (traitor) children, for crying out loud. SURELY he would see reason on this one.  

Me, to The Geek:  What does this look like to you if you turn it on it's side? 

The Geek (tilting his head): A bridge.  

Me: Go away.  

The Geek: No, look! There's the sun....

Blah. Blah. Blah. 

He's wrong. 


What do you see?  Here's the unaltered portion of the big red and pink gun picture once more:

And here it is turned counterclockwise 90 degrees:

I was going to post the entire painting, but  Google has failed me. The name of the piece is "The Gods Who Found Water" by Carlos Almaraz (1941-89), oil on canvas. You can see the amazing texture going on in it, which thrilled me when I was experiencing it from just a few inches away. It's a completely different painting up close than when you back away from it. 

OK, to be fair, this isn't from the same painting. But it's from one by the same artist

A painting that clearly depicts guns. ->

*Yeah. I wrote that again.  


Baysage said...

You don't need to turn it on its side to see that it's a palm tree and there's a woman in a hooded robe standing under the shelter that's beside it. The only guns are the two that woman is holding on the right that you talked about.

StuD said...

All I got out of this was hooters. Your posting more? I need tune in more often.